There MUST be Something Wrong with Me!

"I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."



- Theodore Isaac Rubin

When I was a little girl, as with most little girls, I dreamed of being married and having kids.  There were many Barbie and Ken weddings held in my room and lots of games of M.A.S.H. played to determine just what my future would be?  Would I live in a mansion? a shack?  Just how many kids would I have?  What color would my bride's maid's dresses be?  As I grew older, my dreams became more realistic and the timeline followed.  By 25 (at the latest) I would be married and by 30 I would have my 2 (maybe 3) kids. 

Now....flash forward to the year 2010 and you will find me at the age of 31and single.  What had happened to my timeline?  Why am I still single? (very single it seems....) Everyone around me is having weddings and kids and here I sit.  I know..."There MUST be something wrong with me."  (Come on all you single ladies...and perhaps men...you know you've said that to a trusty confidant at least a time or two and have thought it at least a few dozen times privately)  Am I weird? annoying? unattractive? too extroverted? too introverted? a stalker?  WHAT?  I have spent many hours (ok...days) of my life asking these questions, wondering what it is that leaves me alone and single.  Being a woman of faith, I have prayed to God (sometimes crying and a time or two yelling) with this question.  I even seriously considered and discerned a call to the religious life as a sister, figuring that if I am not dating a man then maybe it's God way of showing me that I am being called to the religious life. (My non-catholic parents were very concerned for awhile that they may lose me to the convent)  BUT much to my parents relief (ok, mine too...) I have discerned, with the help of my spiritual director,  that I am not called to spend my life in the convent. Although it is a beautiful calling and I am honored to have met some of the most beautiful sisters in our country, I feel that God has chosen for me to be single (for now) with the hopes of marriage living on in my heart.

So, where do I go from here?  Well, I'd like to tell you as a woman of faith that I accepted that for God's will for my life and I have waited patiently for my prince to come into my life, but for all those who know me know that patience, although a virtue, is not my strong point.  I have spent many days whining, crying, pouting, depressed wondering why I have drawn the short stick?  Why am I stuck in "singlehood hell?"  I really struggled with this for most of my adult life.  Most of my friends are now married and on their 2nd kid and here I was without even the hope of a date in my near future.  I didn't understand it.  Every wedding, baby shower, or first Communion I would go to I would put my game face on and smile for everyone, but inside I was admittedly bitter.  Why them? Not me?

For years in my prayer life God has been saying to me that I need to be happy NOW.  Find the joy in my life now.  My response to Him was always, Lord how do you want me to be happy when all I really want is a husband.  And in effect, I was choosing to not be happy.  I was saying that I couldn't possibly be truly happy unless I had a man at my side.  And for years (pathetic, I know...) I have put my life on hold in so many ways waiting around for Mr. Right (or even Mr. Right-now)

BUT, just recently my mind frame changed.  From a combination of reading a book called "The Thrill of the Chaste" by Dawn Eden, talking to my spiritual director, and prayer I realized that I can be happy NOW.  For some reason, God wants me to be single for now, but that doesn't mean my life has to be destitute.  I realized it was time to get off my dupa and start living again.  Stop waiting for life (and by that I mean a date) to come and get me and rather get out there and start doing those things I love again.  Believe it or not I am still learning what it is that I really enjoy.   Yes, I have lots of friends, and Yes, I am never home, but I realized I was filling my life with many obligations and it was time for me to take a look at my life and reintroduce a little fun into it!  Part of that entailed looking at myself for who am I and loving myself for me. 
I have re-realized that I love to read.  And although I have bought a plethora of inspirational reading, many that are good, but most of which sit on a shelf collecting dust, I really enjoy a good novel.  Christian suspense novels are my favorites (authors like Dee Henderson and Terri Blackstock) and I love going to the library.  I also am looking to start bowling in the fall or starting a Euchre club with friends.  Another thing I realized is that I love to travel and see different places in the world.  So this summer I took a trip to Indiana to attend a conference by a local Frassati Society (a group for Young Adult Catholics) by myself!  I also will be traveling with my parents to Wisconsin in a few weeks and hope to see Lake Superior for the first time completing my tour of the Great Lakes.  I am getting out there once again...and you know what?  I am happy.  :)

And so it begins...I have decided to keep this blog for the next year and focus on living the single life abundantly!  I hope you enjoy reading and would love any feedback you may have! :)